I'm on Facebook! Are You?!

I just wanted to let you all know that I started a little Facebook page so you can follow along in my daily life and not just get the updates every once and awhile.  I'll share my thoughts about the church throughout the day, week, or even hour!! (Totally kidding! I won't post more than every 2 hours).  I hope you all "Like" my page so we can share our journey through this crazy life together.  Feel free to talk about anything "Mormon" related.  Any questions you have, feel free to ask me there.  I will do my best answer quickly, honestly, and to the best of my knowledge.  I hope to see you there, and have a great Sunday!!

-Jilly-

Click below to go straight to my page

The Mormon Housewife Facebook

Believe in Good Things to Come

I don't often talk about my husband on this particular blog.  I have a personal blog which I do, but I have really tried to focus this blog about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  Today though, those 2 subjects go hand in hand, so I am going to share a bit about my husband with you.

My sweet husband and I met about 5 years ago.  When we started dating my husband's construction company was not doing very well.  It was hit hard during the recession.  He was a bit down when I met him, and not sure what he was supposed to do in his life.  As we continued dating and he realized that I was the person he wanted to spend eternity with, he really started to focus on what God wanted him to do.  We made the decision that he was supposed to go back to school to prepare to become a doctor.  I told him how proud I was of him, and that I would support him 100% in this process.  I knew at that time that it was not going to be easy, but in the end it was going to be worth it.  God let us know that this was the path that we were supposed to take, so we dove in and haven't looked back.

A month after Dave and I were married, he was in his 2nd semester of school at the age of 26.  After a long day at school, and I at work, we came home to enjoy dinner together as we did every evening.  After dinner we sat on the couch and were telling one another about our day.  All of the sudden I was in extreme pain, and we had to go to the emergency room.  After what seemed like forever, they found that I had a serious problem that required surgery immediately.  After that surgery I ended up in the hospital for 2 months, and during the next year I was unable to eat anything.  

During that year as I was slowly dying, Dave continued to work so hard in school.  He was straight A student, and on top of school he had to deal with his new bride dying.  He would wake up at 5am, go to school until 4pm and then come to the hospital and sit in my hospital room and studied until 10pm.  He would then drive an hour to our home to do the whole routine over again.  He never complained, he never whined, and he never let me see how truly scared he was.  He would walk in my hospital room and kiss me, wash my hair, bathe me, take me for a walk around the floor, and read to me.  I never knew at that time the stress, the pain, or the turmoil that he was going through inside.

On one particular day I had another emergency where I had to have emergency surgery at 3am.  Dave and I were the only ones in my hospital room when we found this out.  As they wheeled me down to surgery and I prepared to kiss my husband goodbye, we had an overwhelming feeling that this was going to be the end of our marriage here on earth.  Even with the knowledge that we would be together for eternity, nothing prepares you to lose the one you love.  As I kissed him goodbye, we were both in tears.  I felt like I was having my heart torn out of my chest.  I have not felt pain like that in all my life. 

As they took me into the surgery room, I remember laying on the table and begging God to save my life.  No matter what happened, I wanted to live to be with my husband.  Needless to say, I was saved.  (If you would like to know this story in detail you can click here for the details).  Over the next year and countless surgeries, Dave and I became closer than we could have ever imagined.  We learned to cherish every day and enjoy every second with each other. 

The reason I share this with you, is because since I have gotten well (to an extent) Dave has opened up to me about what he was going through.  He always kept a strong face when he was with me, but I had no idea the turmoil and pain he was dealing with inside.  No one could have prepared him for the trials of that year.  When I have asked him how he made it, he knew it was because of the love of his Savior.  He didn't feel like anyone in this world could understand what he was going through except Christ, and so that is who he turned to for comfort.

It's hard in times of trial and struggle to see the hand of God.  It's hard to not feel deserted and left alone.  It's painful to imagine that when you are speaking with God and begging him to do something, that he is not listening.  In these times you do 1 of 2 things.  Your faith either grows or it suffers.  You choose to become closer to God or push him away.  Dave said that there were many times where he would scream at God and be so furious because he wasn't listening.  He felt like he was giving 100% and doing all he could do, and that God was not coming through on his part.  He had made the sacrifices he promised to, he was going to school, he was married in the temple, he was going to church, and doing everything he knew to be true and correct, and yet he felt as if God had forsaken him and forgotten him.  Little did he know that God was preparing him to be the man he needs to be.  God was teaching him through trial and struggle, that no matter what is going  on in your life, you must remain faithful.  During the darkest times of Dave's life, some of the greatest things happened.  His wife was saved, and he gained a relationship with God that can never be broken.  He learned what true faith is all about.

To this day as Dave and I sometimes struggle, or get scared that we won't be able to make it through, but we know that because of our faith in Jesus Christ, good things are to come.  It might not be now, in the future, or even in this lifetime, but we have been promised that if we remain true and faithful, God will bless us.  He will come to us in our time of need, and he will allow us to lean on him for strength when we feel as though we have none.  We have learned that we can make it through anything with the love of God.  The reason we struggle is to teach us, and mold us into the people that he wants us to be.  He is creating his masterpiece in us.  

God loves us.  He wants each of us to be happy.  He will come to us if we will just choose to ask.  He will not desert us in our time of need, even though we may feel that way.  When we are struggling, we must try to ask God what he wants us to learn from this.  What is he preparing us for when we are so low?  What do we need to do to become the person we wants us to be?  

I want to leave this post with a talk that I heard today by Jeffrey R. Holland.  He talks about his time as a young father and husband, and some of his trials.  He lets us in a part of his life that was low, and seemed like it would never end, but how the love of our Savior taught him that he is a Son of a Heavenly Father that loves him.  I hope it will bring you comfort in your time of need.

Jeffrey R. Holland-Good Things to Come

General Conference and Believing

 (My 1st post which I thought I deleted and just found it)

If you read this blog regularly you will know that I struggle with and have doubts with a lot of the churches teachings.  I am a convert, and I have read multiple history books, and found out all the good and bad of the church, and knowing both the good and bad, I still am and always will be a Mormon.  Even though I'm a fully converted Mormon, I still struggle with my doubts. That is what I want to talk to you about today.

General Conference was this past weekend, and as I was watching I had written a question in my journal. It stated: "How can I know that I'm okay even though I don't KNOW fully all the teachings of the Gospel?"  That questions was followed up by "How can I increase my Faith?"

Those were the only 2 questions I wanted answered.  As General Conference was on Saturday and Sunday, I was getting down at the fact that no one had said anything about my questions.  Finally the last session on Sunday afternoon started and Jeffrey R. Holland got up to speak.  I was so excited as he was the Elder that I had met just a month before this.

As he stood, I was instantly filled with the same feelings of peace, love, and kindness, as I was the day I hugged him.  He is truly a man of God, and I KNOW that.  He started speaking about "Believing".  It was a subject that is very near and dear to my heart, for I believe that the church is true, I just don't know 100% that everything is true, but I believe that God will teach me.

His talk was all about how your doubts and questions are valid, and when they come up you need to address them and get them answered.  He also spoke about how we are not evil or bad people if we have thoughts.  We need to focus 1. on what we know and believe and 2. be true and have integrity to the faith and knowledge you do have.

The last little while I haven't posted on the Mormon Housewife because I have been struggling with worrying that I wasn't a good Mormon because I don't believe all of their teachings, but his talk spoke to my heart and confirmed to me that I am a good Mormon, and that my Heavenly Father is not only pleased with me, but that he loves me.  Because of my knowledge and desire to learn more and grow my faith, he is willing to teach me, and I will soon have my questions answered in his time, if I remain faithful.  It was a talk that taught me so much about who I am, and so much more about the love that my Father in Heaven has for me.

I want each of you to know that if you have questions and doubts, that it is okay.  You are not evil and bad for having these concerns.  They are valid, and they are important to you.  Seek out those leaders that can help you answer your questions, and lead you on the path that you so desire.  If the desire in your heart is good and pure, your father in Heaven is going to teach you and show you the things that you need to know so that you can be comforted in your faith.  Continue to have faith and pray, and know that he will answer you in his time, and as he see's fit. 

Pray for strength and he will strengthen you.

General Conference and Believing

 To watch Elder Holland's talk, Click this. Jeffrey R. Holland's Talk-I Believe

Those of you who read this blog know that I have doubts and a lot of questions concerning the church.  You know of my struggle and battle that I overcome on a weekly basis.  You also know the intentions of my heart are pure and are going in the direction of the hope of finding the church to be true.

I am a convert and though I believe in the church, I don't yet know that it is 100% true.  I hope that Heavenly Father will teach me it is through my faith.

This past weekend was general conference.  Elder Jeffrey R. Holland got up to speak, which I was so excited about because I had met him the month before.  In preparing for this general conference I had written down 2 questions. 1. Am I a good Mormon even though I have questions and doubts? 2. How can I grow my faith and learn to KNOW the truths of the things I doubt?

As the talk started I was instantly struck by his topic.  The topic of believing.  He told a story of a man who's son had died and Christ came to him.  He begged Christ to heal him and Christ asked him if he believed.  He said, Yay I believe, help thou thine unbelief.  It was beautifully poetic to me.  As this man is begging Christ to heal his son he is so humble to admit that he believes a little but he still doubts.  Immediately Christ raises his son from the dead.

We must always start with the things we know and go from there.  Don't worry about the things that you question and doubt, because those will come later.  Focus on your beliefs and what you know to be true.  Your Heavenly Father knows your heart as he knows mine and because we have faith in him and believe, he will teach us the things that we do not yet know.  He will mold and shape our hearts and minds if we stay faithful to him, and ask him with our sincere hearts to teach us the things we so desire.

I encourage you to seek out leaders who can answer your questions, and to realize just as I did yesterday, that you are not evil because you have questions about the church.  They are valid and important, and you need to get them answered so you can move on.  The greatest minds in the church are the ones who are continually learning and asking so that they can gain a better knowledge and faith to teach and help others.  

You are not alone in your quest, just as I know I am not.  I know that my Father in Heaven loves me and that through my work, faith, and diligence he is going to teach me that the things I question are either true or not.  Either way I believe in my church and I am happier when I am living the teachings of the Gospel vs. not.  He knows my heart.  He knows that I won't leave the church, and I know  that he will teach me so I can become a messenger in his hands.

Don't hate yourself because you don't know everything you want to.  Don't be angry that you question.  Have patience and faith and know that he is there.  Know that he hears you and loves you, and that he will answer your prayers.  You will be taught, and those things you believe will soon become things you know.

4 Years Ago

4 years ago today I made a decision that would change my life forever. I made a decision that would end some relationship's and start new ones. The most important thing that happened is that this decision changed the person I was and would be for the rest of my life. 4 years ago today I went through the temple and received my own endowment.

I'll never forget getting ready that morning. I thought I would be a lot more nervous than I was, but I was so ready. I had been told stories of how I was going to think the temple was crazy, and how I'd feel like I'd be joining a cult, but " don't worry because you're making the right decision."

I can honestly tell you that if I felt like I was joining a cult I wouldn't have been calm, and I never would've gone through it. Those were not the feelings I was having. I was calm, at peace, and overwhelmed with the love my father in heaven had for me.

I remember that I wasn't expecting the temple to make sense to me, so when I went through and felt that for the 1st time in my life I truly understood my religion, I was shocked. It was an incredible feeling. Not only did I feel good, and that the things I had just been taught were true and correct, but I felt like so much of my church that had been a mystery to me, finally made perfect sense.

I'm not saying it's the right decision for everyone, but I'm thankful that I had done my research, that I was old enough and mentally prepared to go through and not just doing it for my wedding. I received my own endowment for me because it was the right time for me.

I know that because of the situation surrounding why I went through and the great experience I had is the reason I go back often, and why it still means so much to me. Every time I go I learn something new and am so grateful for the calm and peaceful whisperings from the spirit that I receive only when I am inside the temple.

As I look back to how much I've grown over these last 4 years, I'm grateful for the knowledge I've gained and the knowledge I hope to gain in the future. I'm thankful for the testimony that I received from my father in heaven on the truthfulness and sacredness of the temple, and I'm so grateful he provides a sanctuary for us in this crazy world.

So as I celebrate my temple anniversary and also my wedding anniversary I just have to say how grateful I am for the love of my Father and compassion of my Savior. I'm thankful to have the knowledge I have and look forward to gaining more through the power of the temple.

(Sorry for any weird writings or styles, I'm typing this on my mobile device.)

The Right to Choose

"The Path" by Akiane Kramarik

This is a painting by an artist who has touched my soul.  She is 17 and was born into an atheist home.  When she started painting in her early teenage years she had some amazing spiritual experiences.  She not only found God, but so did her family.  This is her painting named "The Path" and this is what she has to say about it, "In order to choose the right path, we don't have to understand the wrong, we simply need to walk to the light".

The right to choose has affected my life more than any other gift God has given me, and yes; I said GIFT.  We weren't born with the right to choose, it is a gift given to us by God for choosing to have him in our life.  Because we made the decision to love him and do as he asks, he gives us free agency.  One of the greatest gifts we will ever receive.

What I loved about this quote from Akiane, is that throughout my life I have taken free agency for granted.  Because I constantly felt that I had to understand the good and the bad of something. I have made horrible mistakes.  Mistakes that took me out of the presence of my Father in Heaven for quite sometime.  I now know that if I would have chosen "the light" or chosen to do what I knew to be right from the very beginning, life would have been a lot easier.  

That being said, it doesn't mean that I'm not grateful for the wrong choices I made.  They have shaped and molded me into the person that I am today, and I am proud and I love the person I am today.  Do I think I would be the person I am today if I wouldn't have gone through those experiences?  I do not, but it doesn't mean I wouldn't be a great person; just different.

I believe it takes a truly strong spirit to see the light, and the dark, be curious about both, but know that the outcome will be better every time if you choose the light.  I feel as though many times in my life I've been weak, and I'm thankful for a loving Savior who allows me to screw up and repent, and become one with him again.  

I don't need to understand the dark.  I don't need to understand the wrong in this life.  I simply need to trust that my Father in Heaven is going to let me know that it's wrong, and I have to have faith enough to choose the light.  I know that if I do this I will be blessed, and my life will be good.  It may not always be easy, but I can accomplish anything with God on my side.  I'm so thankful that he gives me the option to choose dark or light though, and I'm grateful that he has faith in me to make the right decisions.

Meeting an Apostle

A week ago I was sitting in our local Hospital where I volunteer in the Children's department.  It was late at night and the room where I work was very quiet.  No one had come in for about an hour as I sat there reading.  My husband had given me a book of Joseph Smith's writings the Sunday before, and asked me to read it.  My husband knows how I feel about Joseph Smith, and although I know he is a true prophet of God, I struggle with who he was as a man.  I promised my husband that I would read this book, and no matter what that I would stick with it and finish it.  I was 70 pages into the book when my perspective started to change.  I was learning to respect a man that I have never respected before.

As I was reading the Book of Mormon for the 1st time a few years ago I struggled with understanding of how a man that I believed to be pompous, arrogant, a little self righteous, and completely off his rocker; could have written the most perfect book on the planet today.  How could a man that created Polygamy, and also unabashedly put down other's beliefs write this book of truth?  How could this man be chosen by the most high God when he was 14, and hadn't gotten past the 8th grade?  How could a man that couldn't even spell very well translate a book in a different language that he didn't even know?  I couldn't understand it, but that didn't matter.  What mattered was that I knew this book was true.  I knew that it was sent to the earth by God, and restored at that time for our world today, and that was all that mattered.

As I sat in that hospital room reading this book I started to see Joseph Smith, not as the man whom I believed him to be, but the man that I had been taught he was.  The true, righteous, and caring, prophet of God.  I started to see that he was humble.  His humility actually blew my mind.  As I sat there reading this book, he repeatedly would call himself "unworthy".  What?!  He considered himself unworthy?  I was shocked that even though he restored the Gospel to the earth, was the prophet of God, and writing the Book of Mormon, that he believed himself to be unworthy.  This was definitely not the Joseph Smith that I had come to dislike so much.  I felt my guard softening, and more importantly, my ever patient Heavenly Father started to teach me the truth that I was longing for.

I'm not ashamed about any of the feelings, or thoughts I have about my church.  I completely understand that I am not the everyday Mormon that most people come across.  I speak my mind, I admit that I struggle with issues in the church, and I know that I have weaknesses that tempt me most days.  I'm a real person though.  I'm not perfect, nor do I claim to be.  I don't know everything about the church.  I'm still learning, and still building my testimony.  Heavenly Father still has so much to teach me, and that's what matters.  It's important that I remain open to his teachings, and know that this journey isn't always going to be easy.  If I will continue to have patience with my shortcomings when it comes to my religion, then Heavenly Father is going to be patient in teaching me the truthfulness of this Gospel.  

As I got home that night I was thinking about a letter I just read.  A woman had been praying to God to have the prophet Joseph contact her.  She was feeling low, and in need of some comfort, and she begged God to have him reach out to her.  Well, Heavenly Father answered her prayer.  The prophet Joseph felt inspired to write this woman who God loved.  

I got on my knees that evening and told my Heavenly Father how grateful I am for all he does for me.  I asked him if he would send an apostle or prophet to comfort my heart.  I asked him to teach me that Joseph Smith was not this horrible person I had made him out to be.  I asked him to have one of them be inspired to reach out to me, or allow me to meet one so that I could feel the love that they have for Joseph Smith.  I went to bed that evening and pretty much forgot about my prayer.

Yesterday morning I was getting ready for the day when I remembered that I needed to run to the store.  I was about to put my makeup on, and decided that I was just to lazy that day, and I was just going run in and out.  I jumped in my car and started heading to my usual grocery store when I had a feeling to go to a store that I NEVER go to.  It was a weird feeling, but I decided to go because I could pick up some coconut milk.  As I got to the store I sat in my car to finish a song that I like.  I then went into the store and headed to the baking aisle for the things I needed.  I then went to get the coconut milk, and realized that forgot an item in the baking aisle, so I headed back.  Little did I know how much this little forgetfulness would change my soul.

As I was searching for the sugar I looked up and saw a man walking towards me in dress clothes.  The aisle was a little packed so I pulled my cart to the side so he could get by.  I then looked up again and saw that Elder Jeffrey R. Holland was the man walking towards me.  I did a double take because surely I was wrong.  He was looking down, and I knew it was him.  I actually started to shake I was so nervous.  See, I had met Apostle's before, but never since I have gone through the temple and actually been a member of the church.  I was so worried that I didn't have make up on, and that this Apostle was going to see all my sins. Right then Elder Holland looked right into my eyes.  I got instantly calm.  He smiled and I smiled.  He got right next to my side and said "Hello".  

He grabbed my hand and shook it, as I started to cry.  The reason for my tears was because I was overwhelmed by the love I felt from this man.  Before I got anything out I had the most clear thoughts given to me by the spirit through my Father in Heaven.  In these seconds before I could respond I received the distinct thought that this man truly and intimately knew Christ, was a true apostle of God, and he KNEW that Joseph Smith was a true prophet of God.  If Jeffrey R. Holland knew this, and I knew that Jeffrey Holland was a true apostle than Joseph Smith was a true prophet. I also received the feelings that this man Loved Joseph Smith.  Not the prophet Joseph, he loved the Man.  If he loved the man that Joseph Smith was than he was a good man. That Joseph Smith was a true prophet of God, that he was a good man, and that I need not question it anymore. Then Heavenly Father let me know that he was answering my prayer from last week. 

I was able to get out an hello with a smile.  I talked with him for minute all while basking in the immense love and calming spirit that my Heavenly Father was allowing me to feel.  I had never felt the spirit like this before, and I was taking in every moment.  It was the most sincere, real, heartfelt, and true, feelings of love from the spirit, and I will never take that for granted.  As I gave him a hug goodbye I thanked my Father in Heaven for allowing me to have that incredible experience, and for answering my prayer.  A prayer that I thought was so trivial, and something that would fall on deaf ears.  How wrong I was.  

I realized that day that my Heavenly Father hears every single one of my prayers.  He listens to every word I say, and no matter how insignificant I feel in my life, I am not insignificant to him.  He loves me, he wants me to be happy, and like always, he's being patient while he teaches me the things I need to know for my life.  He's shaping and molding me into the woman he wants me to be.  The true, righteous, daughter of God, that I am.  I'm so grateful for the love that he and my Savior have for me.  His unconditional love and patience never cease to amaze me.  It just goes to show how truly special every single one of us are.